Dan's Story: Two things I'd want carers and parents to know
Dan reflects on his experience of foster care and adoption, and shares two things he'd love every foster carer, adoptive parent and supported lodgings host to know
My brothers and I came into care when we were young, after an early life that was far from straightforward. Our journey took us to a number of different foster homes before I and one of my brothers were adopted at the ages of seven and four; our youngest brother was adopted by another family. When I reflect on my own story, there are two things that stand out to me that I’d want any prospective foster carer, adoptive parent or supported lodgings host to know as they prepare to care for children who might have a story similar to mine.
Looking back, I can see that having to move so many times left me with an overwhelming feeling of distrust. I guess you could trace this right back to the beginning, as the people I should have been able to trust most – my birth parents – had been unable to look after me. This feeling became more and more ingrained as I moved from foster placement to foster placement, and it reached a point where I almost expected each new home to fail.
“If I trust them, I’m going to get hurt again.” “Why should this home be any different to the last?” “Let’s not put too much into this, because it’s going to end like they always do.” Even when we were adopted, these words stuck. I wanted things to work, I didn’t want to move again, but fear told me that history would inevitably repeat itself, and I know this had power over my feelings and my behaviour.
There was one person in the world I felt I could trust, and that was my brother. We had been through so much together, we understood each other. So, the fact that we were able to be adopted together was a life-saver for me. Everything else was all of a flux, but he was constant. He was vital.
For a long time, I had basically been his parent, his main caregiver. I was extremely protective of him, and still am to this day. It was hard to let go of those instincts, even after we gained our adoptive parents who really did love us. Looking after him was like my auto-pilot.
I think this probably made things difficult for our family. I often felt the need to step in when our parents were looking after him. This need to care for him probably looked like defiance, like me being troublesome, or getting involved where I shouldn’t.
Often children with care experience can find themselves with labels like ‘naughty’, ‘disruptive’, ‘difficult’ – but when you know what we’re experiencing on the inside, and can see the fearful or protective person behind the behaviours, things might make a lot more sense.
It look a long time for me to believe my adoptive parents loved me. Part of this was due to lack of trust I’ve mentioned above, and part of it was because over time, I’d begun to feel like I wasn’t worthy of love at all. I wanted to be loved, to be wanted, more than anything in the world – but even when I was shown love and care, it was really hard to accept.
My automatic response became to put up a wall. I didn’t want to allow people to get too close. Looking back, I was a cocktail of contradictory thoughts, feelings and actions; in lots of ways, I probably still am.
But even with this wall I had put up, my adoptive parents were committed and steadfast in showing me that I was loved, and I was wanted. They stuck by me through thick and thin, even through situations that would have tested Mother Theresa to her limits. One of the most significant things I remember is that they were always available to talk about anything I wanted to talk about. They were great at going at my pace. You see, there were things that I wasn’t ready to talk about until years after I’d joined the family – and they didn’t push me. They simply listened when I was ready, and that felt so important. You can tell someone that you love them a hundred times with words, but it was action and care like this that really helped me begin to believe it was true.
If I were to speak with someone who was thinking about caring for a child or teenager through fostering, adoption or supported lodgings, I’d want them to know that trust, fear and a longing to be known and loved are huge and significant things for people like me. I’d want them to know that working through some of the associated challenges together might feel hard at times, and could take a while. But I’d want them to know that it’s worth it. I promise, it is so worth it.
Stori Dan
Cafodd fy mrodyr a minnau ein rhoi mewn gofal pan oedden ni’n ifanc, ar ôl bywyd cynnar oedd ymhell o fod yn syml. Cawsom ein hanfon i nifer o wahanol gartrefi maeth cyn i mi ac un o’m brodyr gael ein mabwysiadu, yn saith a phedair oed; cafodd ein brawd ieuengaf ei fabwysiadu gan deulu arall. Wrth feddwl am fy stori fy hun, mae dau beth yn sefyll allan y byddwn am i unrhyw ddarpar ofalwr maeth, rhiant sy’n mabwysiadu neu westeiwr llety â chymorth eu gwybod wrth iddyn nhw baratoi i ofalu am blant all fod â stori debyg i’m stori i.
Wrth edrych yn ôl, gallaf weld fod gorfod symud cymaint o weithiau wedi fy ngadael â theimlad llethol o fethu trystio neb. Mae hyn yn mynd yn ôl i'r dechrau cyntaf, gan nad oedd y bobl y dylwn fod wedi gallu ymddiried ynddyn nhw fwyaf - fy rhieni biolegol - wedi gallu gofalu amdanaf. Roedd y teimlad hwn yn mynd yn ddyfnach wrth i mi orfod symud o un lleoliad maeth i un arall, ac yn y diwedd ro’n i bron yn disgwyl i bob ‘cartref’ newydd fethu.
“Os bydda i’n eu trystio nhw, bydda i’n cael fy mrifo eto.” “Pam ddylai’r cartre’ hwn fod yn wahanol i’r un d’wetha?” “Rhaid i mi beidio disgwyl gormod, oherwydd mae'n mynd i ddod i ben fel maen nhw i gyd yn gwneud.” Hyd yn oed pan gawson ni’n mabwysiadu, roedd y geiriau hyn yn glynu o’m mewn. Ron i eisiau i bethau weithio, doeddwn i ddim eisiau symud eto, ond roedd ofn yn dweud wrtha i y byddai’r un hen hanes yn cael ei ailadrodd, ac ro’n i’n gwybod fod y meddyliau yma yn rheoli fy nheimladau a’m hymddygiad.
Doedd yna ddim ond un person yn y byd ro’n i'n teimlo y gallwn i ei drystio, a hwnnw oedd fy mrawd. Roedden ni wedi bod trwy gymaint gyda'n gilydd, roedden ni'n deall ein gilydd. Felly, roedd y ffaith ein bod wedi cael ein mabwysiadu gyda’n gilydd wedi achub fy mywyd i. Roedd popeth arall o’m cwmpas yn fflwcs, ond roedd fy mrawd yna bob amser. Roedd yn hanfodol.
Am amser hir, ro’n i wedi bod fel rhiant iddo, ei brif ofalwr. Ro’n i’n hynod amddiffynnol ohono, ac rwy’n dal i fod felly hyd heddiw. Roedd yn anodd gollwng gafael yn y greddfau hynny, hyd yn oed ar ôl i ni gael ein mabwysiadu gan rieni oedd wir yn ein caru. Roedd gofalu am fy mrawd fel fy auto-pilot.
Roedd hyn yn siŵr o fod wedi gwneud pethau'n anodd i'n teulu. Ro’n i’n aml yn teimlo’r angen i ymyrryd pan oedd ein rhieni’n gofalu amdano. Mae’n debyg bod yr angen yna i ofalu amdano yn edrych fel petawn yn bod yn anodd ac yn creu trafferth, neu’n busnesa lle na ddylwn.
Yn aml, gall plant yn y system ofal ganfod eu hunain yn cario labeli fel 'drwg', 'niwsans', 'anodd' - ond petaech chi'n gwybod beth rydyn ni'n ei deimlo tu mewn, ac yn gallu gweld y person ofnus, amddiffynnol sydd y tu ôl i'r ymddygiad, falle y byddai’n gwneud lot mwy o synnwyr.
Cymerodd amser hir i mi gredu bod fy rhieni mabwysiadol yn fy ngharu i. Roedd hyn yn rhannol oherwydd y diffyg ymddiriedaeth dw i wedi sôn amdano uchod, ond hefyd oherwydd, dros amser, ro’n i wedi dechrau teimlo nad o’n i'n haeddu cael fy ngharu o gwbl. Ro’n i eisiau cael fy ngharu, a chael fy eisiau, yn fwy na dim yn y byd – ond hyd yn oed pan ddangosid cariad a gofal ata i, roedd yn anodd iawn ei dderbyn.
Roedd fy ymateb awtomatig yn codi wal. Doeddwn i ddim eisiau caniatáu i bobl ddod yn rhy agos. Wrth edrych yn ôl, ro’n i’n goctel o feddyliau, teimladau a gweithredoedd yn tynnu’n groes i’w gilydd; ac mewn llawer o ffyrdd, mae'n debyg fy mod yn dal felly.
Ond hyd yn oed gyda'r wal yma ro’n i wedi'i chodi, roedd fy rhieni mabwysiadol yn benderfynol o ddangos i mi fy mod yn cael fy ngharu, a’u bod eisiau fi. Roedden nhw’n glynu wrtha i drwy bob storm, hyd yn oed drwy sefyllfaoedd fyddai wedi profi amynedd y Fam Theresa! Un o’r pethau mwyaf arwyddocaol oedd eu bod nhw wastad ar gael i siarad am unrhyw beth ro’n i eisiau siarad amdano. Roedden nhw'n wych am symud ar fy nghyflymder i. Chi'n gweld, roedd yna bethau doeddwn i ddim yn barod i siarad amdanyn nhw am flynyddoedd ar ôl i mi ymuno â'r teulu - a wnaethon nhw ddim fy ngwthio i. Roedden nhw'n yna i wrando pan o’n i'n barod i siarad, ac roedd hynny’n teimlo mor bwysig. Gallwch chi ddweud y geiriau wrth rywun eich bod yn eu caru ganwaith, ond y gweithredoedd a’r gofal wnaeth fy helpu i ddechrau credu ei fod yn wir.
Pe bawn i’n siarad â rhywun oedd yn ystyried gofalu am blentyn neu berson ifanc yn ei arddegau drwy faethu, mabwysiadu neu lety â chymorth, byddwn i eisiau iddyn nhw wybod bod ymddiriedaeth, ofn a hiraeth i gael eu derbyn a’u caru yn ffactorau enfawr ac arwyddocaol i rywun fel fi. Byddwn i eisiau iddyn nhw wybod y gall gweithio trwy rai o’r heriau deimlo’n anodd ar adegau, ac y gallai gymryd amser hir. Ond byddwn i eisiau iddyn nhw wybod ei fod yn werth yr ymdrech. Wir i chi, mae mor werthfawr.
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